As a psychotherapist with a background in Expressive Arts Therapy, I am able to connect with tweens and teens not only with words but also using drama, art, music and play. I see my work with children as a collaboration between  myself, the child, his or her parents and other providers, in an effort to find ways for the child to know and communicate her experience in a way that would make sense to her and allow her to fully participate in her own life. 

Hiding vs Keeping things Private

Children don't quite have a sense of privacy. three and four year olds play out loud, six and seven year olds talk about their ideas and emotions if they know about them and have an attentive adult around. When they know something and do not discuss it they feel that they are hiding it. 

Adults often have a clearer experience of a separation between experiences, thoughts and feelings they want to keep private and those they choose to share. They might have a complex network of people and situations appropriate for sharing different kinds of information. 

Tweens are embarking on the journey to create this network and we, as adults in their lives, need to be aware of it to be able to support it. It is our job to use opportunities to guide tweens through dilemmas around friendships, responsibilities, money management, time management and ethical choices. We need to do this not by  intrusive practices and  restrictive rules, but rather by modeling a meaningful and sensible boundary between what is discussed and dealt with together and what is private. 

In therapy with tweens and teens, as well as with adults, I think about, model and discuss this concept. In working with parents I attempt to help think about and handle the anxieties that come up in discussing specific strategies and scenarios. 

Using Emotional Information

Teens have been spending all their lives scrutinizing their parents. They know so much about them and are now able to articulate their knowledge in painful precision, like a surgeon. The dilemma for those teens is how to use knowledge- will they use it against a person (their parents, but later others) or can they exhibit compassion which will enable them to become curious and friendly. What does it take to be able to be compassionate and curious? 

Around age 15, many teens will start to become interested in their own minds. They develop the capacity to reflect on their thinking. They are capable of questioning things. This is a time when they are most vulnerable to excessive anxiety, depression and coercion. A time when they need guidance and attention. 

Therapy provides a unique opportunity to connect with an adult who is attentive and respectful. One who does not ask for homework assignments or dish washing. It is a time to think through important matters. 

For parents: consultation is an opportunity to get a perspective that is different from that of the school, college counselor or psychiatrist. I think deeply and creatively about teens and about their needs. Above all I value relationships. Helping families through the dilemmas and difficulties of relationships during the teen years can help you have a closer, more meaningful relationship with your child throughout life. Isn't that the real purpose of it all?  

Respecting teens in Therapy

,Why the heck are teens in the Bay Area under so much pressure? 

      Many wonderful schools in the Bay Area do a great job serving a variety of needs. However, many  thoughtful, creative teens who don't buy into the competitive, entertainment industry driven culture, may find themselves in despair. In our current society, often deprived of intellectual rigor,  they may find themselves lacking the vocabulary and opportunity to express their big thoughts and feelings. Some teens describe it as the feeling of not tolerating their own bodies- their awkward changing bodies. This feeling, in our current culture is often mistakenly translated into a feeling of being transgender (yes, I know that some people are genuinely transgender- I'm not talking about those people now). Teens who feel out of place, anxious and depressed are too often hospitalized as a first resort. Given medication which is never tested on teens so we can't begin to know its effect on those vulnerable changing bodies. Those smart, sensitive young people are told to take charge of their emotions (ever changing, not completely known). Well meaning therapists sometimes instruct them to identify and avoid "triggers", to "stay safe". 

I wonder what happens to a teen's curiosity under such circumstances. While I do not advocate risk taking behaviors, I do feel it is important to discuss respect a teen's need for exploration, to support and guide the emergence of value systems, beliefs, convictions, sense of esthetics, a sense of history and of purpose. Some moments are uncomfortable in any exploration. I belief that a safe exploration happens in a non punitive environment where rules are not arbitrary and a teen's need for privacy is respected. The ability to respectfully disagree, to argue, to defend one's point of view, to change one's mind- those are things that make us human and make us part of a society. I bring those convictions into therapy sessions with teens and consultations with parents. 

I meet teens for therapy and do my best to have meaningful conversations with them and to empower their parents to do the same. I take their ideas, feelings and experiences seriously and try not to take myself too seriously. Meeting every week or twice a week creates a rhythm in which the creative elements in our relationship can come to life. I use art, drama, writing and sand tray therapy in addition to conversation with tweens and teens (and adults!). We think about past experiences, trauma, family, peers and life itself. 
​

Call: 510-356-2783   Email: oweksler@gmail.com